Through the Magic of Technology. . .

We all know that science never rests in its pursuit of excellence, innovation, and (most importantly) life-altering consumer goods. Thus, my dear friends, we come to today's topic: the spreadable biscuit. Known as cookies to Americans, lab techs have been working tirelessly to create a substance retaining all flavor properties of said comestible whilst translating the texture to something not unadjacent to pate. Impossible you say? Not so! In fact, a team in Belgium has already slung to market gallons of this exact product! See the leading experts discuss this phenomenal discovery here. I am positive that with this landmark achievement, curing cancer can only be moments away.


NABISCO! You lazy slackers! What's wrong with you? Surely spreadable Oreos is not too much of a stretch for a massive conglommerate such as yourself. You have obviously lost touch with your target market. Your adoring public has been waiting patiently for jugs of that white goop, and they have been spurned for their continued patronage! You have been scooped by a European bakery that doesn't even DO focus groups in America. For shame. Watch yourself, R&D. Your executive shareholders are circling like sharks around chum.

For those of you who wish to distance yourself from this disgraceful spectacle, a recipe for making your own Oreos can be found here.

Rolling It Old-School

Have you seen those knobby brown beads used as prayer beads or on rosaries? Those are imitation rose petal beads. Hence ROSArie -- get it? Yeah, well, you didn't need much of a sense of humor in the Middle Ages, ok? So if you are feeling at a loose end, or just want to fulfill your New Year's Day resolution of being more crafty or spiritual or something, here is a very simple recipe for making these beads. They smell lovely, and look fabulous. Much nicer than the imitations. These will be black, because we are using a cast iron pot and the magic of ferrous oxide. Aren't you glad you didn't skip chemistry now?

Remove outer petals from a dozen roses, and put the rest of the petals into a food processor, blender, or mortar and pestle. Add some water and grind into a paste You should end up with grains about the size of couscous.

Put the paste and add water to cover in a cast iron pot over low heat. Don't let it boil or the scent will evaporate. If you use another type of pot, like steel or enamel, the beads will be brownish instead of black.

Simmer for about 3 1/2 hours, adding water as necessary so it doesn't get dry. Dump the petal mush into a wire mesh sieve over a bowl and press down on the mush with a spatula to squeeze as much water out as possible. It will take on the consistency of clay.

Put on some latex gloves. Then hold a paper towel in one hand and squish a pinch of the petal mush into it, and form into a ball. The more water the towel absorbs, the easier it is to shape the bead. Beads will shrink by half when fully dry, so make the bead twice as large as you want.

Thread the bead onto a hat pin or wire and hang in a 200 degree oven until they are as hard as a dried bean. Twist the beads on the wire every half hour so they don't stick. Store dried beads in a soft cloth scented with rose oil.

The Power of Greyskull

Man, I feel like I've been sick for ages. Two months is a long time. BUT. I have not been idle lo these many empty weeks. I have been designing (and modeling for) some trading cards for my art group, WAM. That's the Women's Art Movement for the uninitiated. Behold the wonders of my new project!



Arrrrrr!

Peace and Quiet. . .

I live about two miles away from a really beautiful cemetery. I like to go for walks there -- it's quiet, there are no other people to bug you when you're lost in thought, and it has really nice landscaping and architecture. All of this may sound a bit disingenuous, but I am serious. There is no better place to collect your thoughts if you live in a city.

I was lucky enough to live near one of the most beautiful cemeteries in the country while I was in college, the Hollywood Cemetery in Richmond, VA. You can take a virtual tour and read about the local legends here. It's just a few blocks away from the campus, and a lot of art students would go there to sketch the stone angels.

It really sparked my interest, and every city I visit, I try to find a beautiful or famous cemetery. I didn't even know about the one near my house until I had been here a month, but I'm very glad I've found it now!

Ahhhh! Cute Monsters!

That's right, folk! The long-awaited time is here: I have unveiled the first in my series "Cute Monsters" to thunderous applause. (OK, so it's mostly mine, but applause is applause). Please step right up and grab yourself a few!
www.boneflowersprints.etsy.com

Haven't started your Christmas shopping yet, have you? Well, let me be your good fairy and provide you with a flurry of $15 prints to give the adorable weirdos in your life.

I will be adding several prints a week to this shop, so be sure to check back often! I will be posting the newest additions here, so you can preview the menagerie. Enjoy!

A Better Mousetrap

As you might have guessed by now if you have been taking notes, I like to cook. I always make a huge Thanksgiving or Christmas dinner for my friends, and I have had several people ask me "How do you do it so fast?!" I have developed a routine to make a large holiday meal for up to 8 people (more if guests bring additional sides) in just a couple of hours. The trick is to know what you can make the day before, plus a little secret to get really good, juicy turkey in just a few hours. I end up redrawing this schedule every year, and have been wanting to keep a record of it somewhere. so this post is as much for me as it is for you. So I won't be posting recipes right now, just timing. If there is a particular recipe you want, though, please email me!

Day before:
Make pie
Make cucumber salad
Make rolls
Brine and prep turkey
Make giblet gravy
Make cranberry sauce
Prep veggies for stuffing

Day of:
2:00 - Preheat oven to 425
2:15 -Prep green bean casserole (yes, I am an unrepentant canned soup user. Don't hate.)
2:30 - Put turkey in oven, left side up
3:00 - Flip turkey to right side
3:30 - Flip turkey to left side, peel potatoes
4:00 - Flip turkey to right side, boil potatoes
4:30 - Flip turkey breast up, mash potatoes, make stuffing
5:00 - Remove turkey, turn oven down to 350, put green bean casserole and rolls in oven, make pan gravy
5:15 - Remove rolls
5:30 - Remove casserole, carve turkey, EAT

See? Not so hard. Everything I do on the day before takes 1 to 2 hours, tops. That's actually the most labor intensive part. On the day of your party, you have minimal work to do. Everything is ready to go, and just requires a little maintenance from time to time. It sure beats slaving for 8 hours and being so exhausted by the time it's done that you don't enjoy yourself.

If you are persuasive, or have friends who like to cook, they can take care of a lot of the "day before" things. Assign people to bring a salad or dessert or bread, which cuts your time down even more. Hurray for planning!

PS - My mashed potatoes are usually gone in seconds, and people rave about them. Here's why: I put in a whole block of melted cream cheese and whip the crap out of them. So good! Diets are for the the New year anyway.

How To Win Friends and Influence People

Ah, you might think, this is where she talks about the importance of a firm handshake and attention to body language. And you would be so sadly wrong.

The best way to win friends is with baklava. Why baklava? It's ridiculously simple to make, yet looks very complicated and impressive. And it tastes so incredible that you will have people following you around looking for more. They will probably not ask for the recipe, because it looks so hard. See? Your illusion stays intact. This is potluck season, people. Be prepared.

The secret to this is that you don't have to mess with individual paper thin sheets of phyllo. You do them in stacks, and it actually works better because the sheets don't turn into glue from all the butter between the layers. This little trick turns a one hour prep into something under 10 minutes. (I know, I know, you can send fan mail to me if you must.) The other trick is keeping it crisp. You do that by making sure your honey syrup is really, really hot before you pour. That way it will caramelize and make a nice moisture shield so your phyllo doesn't get soggy.

So, off we go.

Armenian Baklava
16 oz walnuts, chopped fine
1/2 cup sugar
1 tsp cinnamon
1 pound of phyllo dough
2 sticks of butter, melted
16 oz honey
1/4 tsp ground cardamom
1cinnamon stick

Preheat oven to 300 and grease a 13" x 9" baking dish very well with butter. Make sure your phyllo is thawed according to the package directions. Cut all the layers at once into 13" x 9" rectangles and cover lightly with plastic wrap, then put a damp dishcloth on top. Dump the diced walnuts in a bowl and mix in the cinnamon and sugar. (If you can't find diced walnuts, you can chop them in a food processor, just don't overdo it.)

Now for the simple-yet-impressive part. Take 5 sheets of phyllo and place into the baking dish. Brush well with butter (don't skip the corners). Sprinkle 1 cup of the walnut mixture on this. Now repeat that twice more, using all the walnut mixture. Now place the remaining phyllo sheets on top and brush with the last of the butter. Cut halfway through the layers with a sharp knife into 12 sections, then split each square into 2 triangles (don't skip the cutting). See, that wasn't so bad, was it?

Bake it for 1 hr and 25 minutes. The last 5 minutes, heat the honey, cardamom and cinnamon stick in a small pot over med-high heat. Keep it at a simmer, but don't let it boil.

Now when you take out the baklava from the oven, pour the simmering honey (minus the cinnamon stick) over the whole thing right away, making sure it gets down the sides of all the pieces. It will boil furiously for a minute, then subside. Cool for 1 hour, then finish the cuts all the way through. Do not refrigerate this or the caramel will break down and it will get mushy. If kept covered at room temperature it will last a week. (Yeah, right. It will all get eaten before then, trust me.)

Take it to your next potluck and watch the influencing begin.

Variations: Greek and Turkish versions use pistachios and almonds instead of just walnuts. You can flavor the nut mixture with cardamom or other masala spices. Also, you can flavor the honey with a few drops of rose, jasmine, or orangeflower water.